This
month, our fearless reviewer sinks his endangered teeth into Korean sweets…
1.
"KicKer" (Crown, W300)
I used to think it was cheesy and
lame that Korea had so many utterly unoriginal knock-off companies and products,
from "Winner's" instead of "Wendy's," "Prowstar"
instead of "Starbucks" and "Calorie Balance" instead of "Calorie
Mate." Now I think it's kind of cool, a sneaky subversion of multinational
capitalism and the insidious cult of the "brand name." One of my favorite
Korean knock-off products is "KicKer," an obvious yet very cutely named
rip-off of Kit Kat, from the similar red packaging outside to the familiar shape
and taste of the "wafer fingers in chocolate" inside. KicKer tastes
exactly like Kit Kat, and these days also costs exactly the same (W600 for four
"fingers"), which makes one wonder what particular advantage it has
over the original--aren't knock-offs supposed to save consumers a little money,
after all? Well, if you're a Korean patriot, I'm sure you'll be charmed by the
Korean soccer player on the packaging; as for me, I just love the fact that the
words "Tit Bit" (Konglish for "tidbit" or "a dainty morsel,"
I presume) are imprinted on each chocolate finger. KicKer may be the only candy
in the world that has a dirty word on it... hey, who doesn't like having a tasty
tit all over their sweet, sticky fingers?
2. "Seokgi Shidae"
(Lotte, W500)
When I was a kid, Pop Rocks were probably the most
disgusting, decadent candy I ever had; when you popped them in your mouth, they
started fizzling and exploding like sugary, neon-dyed dynamite. Chasing them down
with a swig of Coke was even better, increasing the overall explosiveness factor.
Here in Korea, I'd have to say that Seokgi Shidae or "Stone Age" is
probably the most disgusting, decadent candy on the local market. Essentially,
they taste like M&Ms: candy-coating on the outside, chocolate on the inside.
What I like most, though, is the "Stone Age/dinosaur" theme; hence,
the candies are all shaped like either rocks or dinosaur bones in artificial shades
of orange, brown, green and blue. You even get the odd, oversized dinosaur "egg"
(uh, by the way, did dinosaurs actually exist in the Stone Age?) What's great
about these candies (which kind of look like oversized Pop Rocks) is the fact
that they actually resemble the size and shape of human teeth; and after eating
these things for a couple of years, your teeth will probably look like orange,
brown, green and blue bones and stones, too! It's products like "Stone Age"
that make me proud to think of how much human civilization has evolved and progressed
since... well, since the Stone Age!
3. "Apollo" (Apollo Jaegwa,
W100)
According to legend, Apollo "cream" sticks were
so named after its creators watched the Apollo 11 spaceship moon landing in 1969.
More than three decades later, these futuristic "Space Age" treats are,
somewhat ironically, famous here in a retro kind of way, and are still widely
available at small stationary shops across Korea (sold mostly to young Korean
kids on a sugar trip) and in places like Insadong (sold mostly to young Korean
adults on a nostalgia trip.) I've tried all four flavors -- banana, chocolate,
strawberry and orange -- and they all taste pretty much the same to me: like extremely
tangy, somewhat hardened cake icing. Their most unusual feature is their presentation:
tiny clear plastic straws that you suck on to get the "cream" out from
inside (I guess this is a pretty safe, convenient method of delivery if you're
an astronaut in zero gravity, and have to worry about stuff flying everywhere
all the time.) I wondered at first if last year's Apollo Anton Ohno short-track
Winter Olympics controversy might have damaged by association the Apollo "cream"
stick brand name in any way; but according to Korean friends, most people here
don't even know or care what Ohno's given names are, so if you're a gung-ho Korean
nationalist, this is still a perfectly safe treat for you to be seen eating in
public. Just be sure to brush your teeth afterwards!
4. "Chocoberry
Chocolate" (Chocoria, W3000)
One of the more charming aspects
of Korea is how everyone is running around in the streets carrying cute little
packages or glossy paper sacks containing cakes, cookies, ice cream and other
treats. I especially like it when they use colorful bows or ribbons instead of
ordinary string, just because it's so damn, well, cute. Chocoria would seem to
be trying to capitalize on this local trend of dainty take-away packaging with
its "Chocoberry Chocolate" product, which at W3,000 is pretty expensive,
but is certainly well-wrapped: a cutely designed, glossy mini sack with a thick
red-yarn handle and gold-leaf "seal" holding it together at the top.
Oh, and did I mention that it looks really cute? The problem is that what you
find inside is absolutely, totally inedible: styrofoam-textured, freeze-dried
strawberries covered in cheap white chocolate that probably taste the same now
as they would if they'd been kept in storage for a hundred years. Anyway, Chocoberry
Chocolate is a great product to be seen carrying in the streets with, and is certainly
cute. Whatever you do, though, don't even think about trying to eat it.
5.
"Yeonyangkaeng" (Haitai, W500)
Haitai's "Yeonyangkaeng"
red-bean jelly bar, first introduced onto the local market in 1945 and still popular
today, embodies the kind of existential, chicken-or-egg quandry that drives certain
nationalistic Koreans crazy. Ask any Japanese person, and they'll tell you that
Yeonyangkeng is simply a Korean version of Yokan, a classic Japanese sweet made
of adzuki-bean paste and agar traditionally served at tea ceremonies. When I called
the Haitai headquarters, however, they insisted unequivocally -- and rather haughtily
-- that Yeonyangkaeng is a "purely Korean" product. Meanwhile, a lot
of younger Koreans assume that it's a traditional Korean sweet as well, simply
because it's been around for so long. So which is it: Japanese or Korean? I would
argue that that is a pointless question, since it is both and neither. Yes, Yeonyangkaeng
was doubtless inspired by Japanese Yokan; at the same time, however, Yeonyangkaeng
is as old as Korean democracy itself, and as such has become part of the historical
fabric of Korean culture. Once again, it is both and neither, in the same way
that French fries are neither "purely French" nor "purely American."
Anyway, the point is how does it taste? I would say that it tastes great -- not
too sweet, and a lot healthier than most of the other junk available in convenience
stores these days. So lighten up, Haitai: regardless of its nationality, Yeonyangkaeng
tastes exactly the same -- and that's good enough for me!
6. "Mok
Candy" (Lotte, W500)
Lotte's herb-and-quince-flavored "Mok
(Throat) Candy" is one of my favorite local sweets. These small, brown, rectangular-shaped
drops are exploding with refreshing, cool flavor: suck on just one and you start
feeling high; three or four and it seems like your whole head's been dry-cleaned
and re-upholstered. These things kick Ricola's butt left, right, and center. Best
of all, they're only W500, which means you can buy five boxes of them for the
same price as one same-sized box of imported Ricola (hey, at least Lotte is staying
true to the traditional Korean economic strength of quality at a lower price,
unlike a lot of other local companies these days.) Of course, most people will
no doubt buy Throat Candy mainly as a lozenge to soothe a sore throat; I might
add, however, that Throat Candy is also beneficial for people suffering from the
runs, since the astringency of the quince fruit is reputed to have a "tightening
effect" on loose bowels. Anyway, whether you've got a sore throat or a bad
case of the shits (from eating too much Korean candy, perhaps?), Throat Candy
just tastes great!
J. Scott Burgeson is the Dear Leader of Bug Magazine.
http://bug.andyou.com