Introduction

Old men playing changgi during the lunch break

The foreigner can only hope to brush the surface when it comes to understanding Korean customs. Learning the language is the key to understanding the subtleties, but even so Koreans may adapt their customs because of your presence.

The customs below are those that belong to traditional Korean culture, which is now changing and becoming more westernised. For eating and drinking customs, please refer to the food section.

Korean society values Confucian relationships, where an older or more senior person is shown more respect. A person who is married, with children and has a good job is placed higher in the Confucian hierarchy. This information is important to know where to place a new acquaintance, hence the common questioning about age, marriage and money when you first meet a Korean. People are considered to be members of the group and society first and individuals second. So questions about why you aren't married or don't have children are issues that affect the whole of society and are not considered to be personal questions.

Traditionally those at the bottom of the social scale have to show respect to their seniors. This respectful behaviour includes giving up your bus seat and laughing at their jokes even when they are not funny. When greeting them a lower bow and using two-handed handshake displays more respect. Traditionally, it was not appropriate to smoke in front of an elder, cross your legs or wear sunglasses.

Traditional medicine

Language

The Korean language has honorifics to speak to a superior, usually for someone who is ten years older. It is rude to call someone by their given name; instead polite words which denote their age or their position are used such as sonsaengnim for teacher and baksa for doctor.

Ajumma or 'married woman' can be used for anyone over thirty, but more commonly for the middle-aged set. Halmoni is the equivalent of 'grandmother'. The words for brother and sister depend on the relationship, for example females use 'onni' to mean 'older sister', whereas males use 'nuna'. There are also different terms for older brother, depending on the speaker and the same word is used for younger brother or sister. In this case it is not restricted to someone in your family, it is a term that is used for someone who is the same age as your older sister or your grandmother. This reflects the closeness of Korean relationships. Even close family friends call their friend's mother 'omma' or mother.

Because Koreans do not refer to each other by their first name, it can be confusing who they are talking about. Korea has a collective culture, and they like to share everything. For example, when they are talking about their house, they do not say 'my house', but 'uri jip' which literally means 'our house'. It is the same for 'our mother', but maybe saying 'our wife' or 'our husband' takes it too far for foreigners.

Terms for family members are more complicated in Korean. They make a more important distinction according to the age and if the relationship is through the mother or the father. A distinction is made between a maternal and a paternal grandparent, and instead of plain uncle, they say 'father's older brother'.

Family

A Korean's name begins with the family name, unlike the western tradition of having the family name as the 'last name'. The family name is only passed through the male line as the woman keeps her maiden name when she marries. The family book that records the family's genealogy only traces the males. This is why it is important to have sons who continue the family tradition.

Parents make huge sacrifices for their children, with an emphasis on education, and the parents may often decide the child's future. Nowadays families are smaller than they were a generation ago, where having eight siblings was not unusual. Now the ideal is to have one son and one daughter. The eldest son has the responsibility of looking after the parents in their old age, financially and also by living with them. At 60 years, a person has completed the full life cycle and can retire and the son looks after them.

The children are expected to pay for their parents' funeral, which is usually expensive. After death the children and continue to honour their family and show respect for their ancestors. This is done through memorial rites where they offer food and bow to them.

The father is the head of the family and traditionally children were brought up to be seen and not heard. A woman must first obey her father before marriage, then her husband then her eldest son after her husband's death. Fidelity is important; if a woman's young husband died she traditionally was expected to remain faithful to her husband's parents.

Marriage

Marriage is regarded as the joining of two families rather than two individuals. The future of the extended and the reputation of the family name are thought of as more important than individual happiness.

When choosing a marriage partner the parents opinion carries more weight in Korea than it would in the West. If the parents disapprove, the child would change their mind, for the sake of the family believing that the parents' judgement is wiser than their own.

In Korea, it is assumed that everyone will get married, and if they don't find someone by themselves through a love match, then their parents or friends will organise blind dates for them. Traditionally a marriage was arranged and the bride and groom had no choice in the matter and didn't meet each other before the wedding.

When choosing a marriage partner, they consider the qualities such as character and the spouse's ability to produce good children. They don't believe that passionate love will last for the duration of the marriage, and so they choose potential e.g. a man's future career and the woman's beauty. Money and the woman's good looks are believed to ensure a happy marriage.

Wedding halls are popular for the wedding ceremony. Usually the Koreans leave it until the last minute to invite guests to the wedding, as they believe that an invitation written months in advance is presumptuous and rude.

The bride and groom exchange rings and watches while the guests usually give money. There is usually some arrangement between the families before the wedding, where money and gifts are exchanged. With wealthy families the bride's parents provide the 'three keys' for an apartment, a car and an office if the groom is a doctor or a lawyer. The groom's parents may have to pay for the white goods and furniture for the apartment. After the marriage the couple used to live with the eldest son's parents and the grandmother would look after the child, but nowadays both parents and children prefer their privacy.

There are strict roles within the marriage. The father is the decision-maker and the breadwinner, whereas the mother looks after the home, children and acts as a go-between for the father and the children. The husband usually hands over all his earnings to the wife who manages it and gives him an allowance.

Money

Korea is very much a cash society where credit cards and cheques are not as common as the West.

There is no sensitivity with talking about money. If you buy something, a Korean will almost always ask you how much you paid for it. At the market or even in stores where prices are not marked it is standard procedure to ask for a discount. Ten percent is usual and if you are particularly talented you can try for more. In a restaurant or a taxi you don't have to tip.

Money is given with two hands, usually in an envelope or in a tray and received with a hand on the arm. Interaction with money is delicate but talking about it isn't.

Koreans do not sign financial papers with a signature, but use a family stamp instead. This is considered more secure than a signature and the responsibility is on the owner to make sure that the 'name chop' does not get into the wrong hands. The stamp uses red ink, although this colour is usually used to write a dead person's name.

Out and about

Within the Confucian hierarchy all relationships are not equal. If a relationship has not been established then strangers cannot be placed into the system. Strangers are like non-people and in Korea, where personal space is smaller, there is no reason to apologise if you bump into someone in the street. In the street Koreans are unsmiling and serious looking. This is because they rarely interact with strangers. For example, if someone smiles at them on the bus, they are considered to be crazy. If children say hello to a foreigner, they are not making a greeting, but are having a giggle at your expense.

Once you have been introduced Koreans are extremely gracious and generous. When you are shopping and you buy four apples, they will often give you extra. If Koreans offer their food, it is a sign of friendship, and might want you to take two pieces, as taking only one means that you are not so friendly.

Koreans also show their friendship by touching each other. They do not hug or kiss each other, but the new visitor may be shocked at the numbers of girls holding hands, and the guys who would otherwise look gay in western culture. In Korea there is no homophobia because they won't admit that gays exist. Only young couples will display affection in public, much to the embarrassment of the older generation.

If you are invited to a person's home, it is polite to take a gift, as they will probably provide dinner. In the house, you must remove your shoes because Koreans traditionally, live, sit and sleep on the floor and the outside dirt that your shoes carry should be left away from the living area.

When saying goodbye, a Korean might walk their friend to the door, or their car to make sure they get away safely. Girls in particular don't like to do anything by themselves whether it is shopping, eating or going to the toilet. In public toilets they will bang on the door. You should bang back if you are inside. When queuing in the women's toilets, there is not one queue but a queue for each toilet.

Business etiquette

It is rude to call someone by his or her first name. Usually a third person will introduce people in business relationships, as Koreans are reluctant to introduce themselves. When meeting for the first time, a short bow and an exchange of business cards are appropriate. If Koreans shake hands they hold their ribs with their other hand out of respect.

A senior position in a company is not usually based on merit, but on age and service time to the company, so usually the person who has been there the longest is the most senior. They treat superiors formally and value titles and positions and use them when addressing each other.

During a business meeting the Koreans value the process of a business deal rather than its actual completion. The conversation that leads up to the deal is valued and business is only dealt with at the end of the conversation. Koreans don't like to be direct and prefer to talk around a subject which can be infuriating as you won't get a straight answer, and even after 30minutes it is still unclear what has been agreed on. They don't like to make decisions hastily will sit on a decision for three days. Often things are left until the last minute, but when it does get done it is usually efficient.

Koreans do not like to say no and try to avoid confrontation. For example at an institute where they had to lay off some of the teachers, they sacked everybody publicly, then rehired the ones they wanted secretly so everybody could save face. A Korean may not keep a promise or not return a phone call because they are avoiding confrontation and saving face. A Korean may expect you to understand their circumstances and this is more important than being punctual and dealing with contracts. Trust for a western businessman is based on the ability to stick to an agreement, but for the Korean it is based on understanding the company's situation and why they might not be able to agree to something.

The Koreans integrate business with the personal and will often have large drinking sessions with their clients as a way of establishing a business relationship. Koreans may see the foreigner's demands for a contract signing as insincere whereas foreigners see the personal drinking meetings insincere. If a westerner is personal with a business associate, that relationship will continue outside the business relationship, but with the Korean it would not. A foreigner on a business trip would be eager to close the deal, whereas a Korean wants to spend time developing the relationship.

Links

Family customs:
http://www.asianinfo.org/asianinfo/korea/family_customs.htm

Customs:
http://cinema.sangji.ac.kr/WINDOW/window/win00093.htm

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