By Chip Hickman
My peers here in Busan are firmly committed to the art
and religion of negative ways. They delight in pressuring people to
do bad things. They make me gamble at games of chance, cajole me into
drinking Galliano past 4am on weeknights, and encourage me to talk loudly
in elevators and profanely when on Texas St. Recently they've taken
to a new form of perversion - pushing me to review bad movies. Given
my lack of willpower and long-standing belief in conformity, I have
once again caved.
For some people watching bad movies is better than watching great ones.
They are the Taoists of the film-going public, arguing that what others
see as shit they can appreciate precisely because it is so very, very
shitty. So in a vain attempt to appease the sado-maschotistic demographic
of the Beat readership, I present my current list of the worst
movies of the last 20 years. Caveat Emptor:
X. It's Pat: The Movie (1995)
The film so bad it didn't even play on cable. Saturday Night Live movies
normally suck, but this one reaches a previously unexplored level of
suck. Four minutes of the androgynous SNL character "Pat"
was unbearable, but 77 minutes qualifies It's Pat as a visual carcinogen.
Note that It's Pat has the distinction of sucking enough to
beat out other SNL shit-movie heavyweights like Blues Brothers 2000,
A Night At The Roxburry, and the Coneheads films on this
list.
IX. Highlander 2: The Quickening (1991)
Almost all sequels are shit and deserve consideration on this list,
but it took watching Christopher Lambert's hilarious attempts to act,
sound and look elderly to push The Quickening past the competition.
Highlander 3: The Final Dimension (1994) also deseese films
defies all rational explanation. A total colon blow.
VIII. Stop! or My Mom Will Shoot (1992)
They let Stallone make this, his second and last comedy vehicle, even
after he made the legendary piece-of-shit Rhinestone. The same
steeped-in-fecal-matter plot was also explored with equal aplomb the
following year by Burt Reynolds in Cop and A Half, except Sly
got a Golden Girl and Burt got a little kid. Both are as funny
as shards of glass in a small child's eye. Watching cats spit up hair
seems appealing by comparison.
VII. The Avengers (1998)
Warner Bros.' refisal to screen The Avengers for critics must
have been a gesture of conscientiousness. More people have climbed Everest
than finished watching this movie which is why it's called a "walkout."
I paid money to see this film, then walked out after 10 minutes and
demanded a refund. I'd rather catch an Olsen Twins marathon (with Korean
dubbing) than see this movie in its entirety. In Hell, The Avengers,
Titanic and Double Team are the only 3 movies available,
so just wait till you get there and watch it then.
VI. Cutthroat Island (1995)
The $92 million movie with an $11 million gross. Why? Geena Davis is
not sexy, Mathew Modine should stick to wrestling movies, and the story
was a jambalaya of bland turds. Its only magic stems from its ability
to make 123 minutes seem like eternity. Cutthroat Island's
utter lack of creativity leaves the viewer numb below the eyes. The
very definition of a bad movie. Note: I still see people
in Nampodong wearing Cutthroat Island t-shirts sometimes, which
confirms all my worst suspicions about this culture's sense of taste
and decorum.
V. Baby Geniuses (1999)
Dom De Louise should be ashamed of himself. I dare you to find one intentionally
funny moment in this movie. The only thing memorable about this film
was that it added the phrase "diaper gravy" to my formal lexicon.
Morphed talking babies rank up there with tards, rape scenes and Oprah
as things I never again want to see on TV or in a movie. A masterpiece
of discomfort. Perilously bad.
IV. Double Team (1997)
Gape in horror as J-CVD, Mickey and The Worm attempt to construct complete
sentences. The casting call alone ranks a solid 10.0 on the unintentional
humor scale, and although you may be the kind of person who thinks that's
good enough reason to watch it, you are wrong. Dead wrong. Suicide is
a viable alternative to watching this film again. The movie so bad it
single-handedly bumped Solo, Cobra, Vanilla Sky, and the entire
Look Who's Talking series off this list. Vile. Toxic. Unholy.
III. Howard The Duck (1986)
Life-alteringly bad. Things I learned from watching Howard The Duck:
George Lucas (producer) is a one-movie hack and Hollywood (particularly
Universal Pictures) is fucked in the head. There is no fitting death
for the tool who thought a movie about a talking duck from outer space
who smokes cigars was a good idea. One of the biggest embarrassments
of the last one hundred years. A film strictly for the well-insured.
II. Caddyshack II (1988)
If I were king of the world my first edict would have the head of Allan
Arkush on a spear in my throne room. This movie punishes all - those
who watch it as well as those who made it. Chase and Aykroyd's careers
were effectively ended by this shitball and Jackie Mason died soon after
filming, so I guess there's that to be thankful for. But Caddyshack
2 is as close to pure evil as one movie can come. Watching Caddyshack
2 without the protection of a pentagram is as reckless as Greg
Brady going surfing with that taboo necklace on. Worse than 2 hours
of Red Sonja outtakes. More ridiculous than Leprechaun
1, 2 and 3 put together. More horrid than beondegi and
makkoli-tainted vomit. Visual proof of the coming apocalypse.
.
I. Johnny Mnemonic (1995)
Words cannot fully describe the ineptitude involved here. Whatever fuckpuppet
of a producer figured that putting Keanu Reeves, Dolph Lundgren and
Ice-T in front of a camera and yelling "Action!" would yield
movie magic feserves a punishment of Biblical proportions. This isn't
a film; it's a cancer. The look of disbelief and anger on people's faces
after experiencing Johnny Mnemonic comes from the realization
that the 2 valuable hours of life this movie stole can never be recouped.
Even bad movie lovers find it unwatchable. The gasoline enema of bad
movies. A celluloid equivalent of The Maginot Line. Don't do
it, ever. Not even as a joke.
Note 1: Komodo, Ghost Dad, Speed 2, Nightmare on Elmstreet
sequels, midget movies (like Over The Rainbow w/Chevy Chase),
Prince movies, Friends castmember films (particularly Matt
LeBlanc's Ed, which also had a monkey in it), and countless
other horror stories failed to make the cut not because they're undeserving,
but because there's only so much room. Also, I refuse to watch a movie
with a title like Komodo.
Note 2: All these films, as usual, are available in
Korea.
Note 3: Three of Hong Kong's directorial elite - Tsui
Hark (Double Team), John Woo (Hard Target) and Ringo
Lam (Maximum Risk)- have all been burned badly by Van Damme
movies. Hark is the only director on my list who actually makes good
films most of the time. If interested, check out his action masterpiece
The Killer.
Note 4: Given that I've already reviewed Titanic
I purposely left it off this list. This in no way excuses it from notation
as one of the worst movies of the last 20 years.
Note 5: Due to the topic's separate importance, the
shittiness of body switching films will be explored separately in another
review.