This
month our reviewer gorges himself on Korean munchies and lives to tell about it…
1.
"Oh Shingshinghae" Crispy Fusion Snack, W500, Haitai
Sometimes
you have to wonder about the direction in which human civilization is developing.
Wherever you look, there's war, terrorism, poverty, starvation, environmental
destruction and so many other global problems that deserve the immediate attention
of all of us, and yet people keep creating things like "Oh Shingshinghae
('Oh, It's Fresh') Crispy Fusion Snack." I mean, does the world really need
sweet odaeng-flavored puffed corn-and-wheat flakes? Is the planetary supply of
weird snack foods really so limited and in need further supplementation? Well,
after trying these things, I have to answer with a resounding "Yes!"
After all, odaeng is one of the world's great culinary inventions, and if you're
an odaeng addict like I am, you can never have enough of the stuff. In fact, I'm
going to store several large boxes of Oh Shingshinghae in my underground nuclear
fall-out shelter, in case nuclear war breaks out and all the street-level pojang
macha's selling real odaeng get vaporized. Who says Haitai doesn't care about
the future needs of our planet?
2. "Mat Kim" Potato Chips,
W1000, Nongshim
“Mat Kim” ('Tasty Seaweed') is a great
product that also tastes great; too bad it tastes nothing like kim. If anything,
it's pretty close to the classic sour cream & onion potato-chip flavor combination,
if a bit sweeter than normal--as many Korean snacks tend to be. So what happened
to the "kim flavor" advertised on the package? My theory is that the
ajumma's at Nongshim's potato-chip factory got hungry and stole all the kim supplies
while they were on their lunch break. If their manager pays closer attention in
the future, Nongshim could have real winner on its hands.
http://www.nongshim.com/web_svr/jsp/non/index.html
3.
"Wacle" Crispy Baguette, W700, Orion
Wacle is one of my
favorite Korean snacks, although I have no idea what the hell "Wacle"
means (is it a combination of "waffle" and "miracle"? Or maybe
"wafer" and "uncle"? Actually, it sounds like the name of
a furry space creature from Star Wars...) Anyway, these things taste great--very
buttery and just slightly sweet, with a nice crunchy texture. Whenever I eat these
cute little "baguettes," I feel like Gulliver, since they're about a
hundred times smaller than normal baguettes. If you're a shotari ("shorty")
or dwarf, Wacle is guaranteed to boost your self-esteem.
http://www.orionworld.co.kr/ourbrand/_frame_snack.html
4.
"Ice Corn," W500, Nongshim
This has got to be the most
disgusting mutant product on the Korean snack-food market. Imagine throwing some
chocolate, vanilla and strawberry ice cream into a blender, along with a bunch
of ice-cream cones, and creating a frothy, sweet, corny puree; next, bake into
light, crunchy little finger puffs that taste exactly like freeze-dried, self-contained
ice-cream cones. When I first opened the bag and smelled these things, I almost
barfed; but they're actually pretty tasty, and strangely addictive (isn't that
the secret of all great junk food?) For a twist, serve in a bowl with milk and
enjoy as a really unhealthy, Neopolitan-flavored breakfast cereal—just be
sure to sit far away from other people, since as soon as they see what you're
eating, they'll probably hurl all over you.
http://www.nongshim.com/web_svr/jsp/non/index.html
5.
"Ah-U-Teo" ("Out") Nacho Cheese, W1000, Lotte
It's
hard to guess who this product is being marketed to exactly. Perhaps the name
"Out" is a clever attempt to win the loyalty of gays and lesbians who
are "out" of the closet (according to the label, "out" refers
to "Take-out Snack," but that doesn't make sense at all, since all snacks
are by definition "take out." Who ever heard of a "take-in snack"?)
Then again, it may be targeted for people with weak or sensitive teeth, like young
children or senior citizens, since these cute nacho-flavored corn puffs are both
softer and smaller than regular tortilla chips. Or perhaps it's aimed for alcoholics,
since the removable plastic top conveniently doubles as a very large shot glass.
In any case, if you're a gay alcoholic with bad teeth, this is just the snack
for you.
6. "Ch'u'ock-ui Konbbang," W1500, Cheju Nongyeon
I
have nothing interesting or funny to say about this product, which I guess makes
perfect sense. After all, Ch'u'ock-ui Konbbang -- lit. 'Dried Bread of Memory,'
long a staple snack for the Korean military -- is exactly like military service
itself: really hard and tough (do not try eating these if you have dentures),
totally boring, monotonous and flavorless (imagine the taste of cardboard) and
yet at the same time supposedly good for you and, by extension, good for the country
(unlike most other snack foods, Ch'u'ock-ui Konbbang is neither greasy nor salty
nor sugary sweet, which explains why they don't taste like anything). This is
one case where you really are what you eat; or maybe it's the other way around:
when you're doing military service in Korea, apparently you have to eat what you
are. As for me, I'd rather be Gandhi and fast then have to gag on this stuff.
--J.
Scott Burgeson is the Dear Leader of Bug Magazine (http://bug.andyou.com)