(EDITOR'S NOTE: read this at your own risk. Don't say I didn't warn ya. I claim no responsibility for how this one alters your life or your relationship with your mother.)
Well, since I’m such a hot babe, the Expatriate figured I was one of the few guys actually capable of testing out four brands of condoms in two days. So, like, doods, I’m real sorry if like I seduced your Korean girl friends, but like we had to like test these condoms fast before the July 15 deadline, so you could more easily decide which condoms to use, ok, peace? I promise to remain celibate for the rest of my contract. I wish.
So, anyway, uh, back in reality, the first condom was this hot pink, somewhat comfortable, and recommended brand called Tango, which didn’t break and didn’t make squeaky noises, thereby alerting the neighbors as to what I was doing, during the entire course of a blistering 10 minute session with my right hand while trying imagine doing Lee Sung Hee dog style on the backseat of a ’71 Chevy Nova at the drive in during a Godzilla Meets Jane Goodall and Jurassic Park II double feature in Fremont, California. The condom is subtly ribbed so my right hand’s delicate skin wasn’t even blistered or chapped afterwards. Wow! But, for fans of the smell of suntan lotion, you definitely have to get these condoms, though. The hot pink color is also definitely extremely sexy, and I’m beginning to wonder if I need to pay to make love or maintain the semblance of an intimate relationship any more just so that I can regularly get off. Five stars for these, though, for whatever that’s worth.
The next condom which I tried, one hour later, and perhaps my somewhat dulled state of horniness had something to do with my negative opinion about these Dia Special Lubricated w/Dots condoms, but really, though, I think these were the worst condoms I’ve used in my life. For starters, and you know, I don’t mean to like brag or anything, but I think these condoms were made for somewhat, uh, …more diminutive schlonkies than my own. I don’t know, maybe there’s some kind of too tight condom fashion persuasion that’s all the rage over here or like there’s some kind of need that some guys have to administer tourniquets to themselves out of some kind of sexual pathos and guilt or something. But if that isn’t enough, the Dia condom’s special lubricated dots seem to serve to inflict even further pain on the wearer, or I guess we could say, inflict even further "overstimulation" on the wearer. Well, call me a wimp but uh, I’d say that the sand paper effect of these condoms is definitely for tough guys and probably tough girls and connoisseurs of pain. Get tough! Get Dia! So, let’s say there Vinny, that these condoms get four stars if you’re a tough guy or like pain and one star if you are a wimp. Or maybe it’s like the love of very hot chilies or, oh, I know, it has to do with the eroticism of one person being in pain and the other in ecstasy, like the whole sort of electromagnetism of that, right…um, am I like naïve or missing out on something?
So, the next day, after hitting on babes in Somyon unsuccessfully for about an hour and a half, my line after "Yong-oh hashimnikka?" being, "Do you wanna help me try out some condoms for a consumer product review that I’m writing," I felt devastated. I mean, that’s like the best excuse to go have a little hump that was probably ever uttered by humankind and these girls were not even impressed. So, as I walked by a fruit stand, my head swimming with nightmarish self images in which I have the sexual charisma of George Bush if he were a librarian or acting in the office of his wife as a substitute cub scout den mother, I spied a ripe avocado. "God, I almost really wanna do this avocado," I thought and as I approached the fruit stand. I asked the ajimanim how much and she looked at me like I was crazy and slapped my hand as I reached to give it a squeeze probably saying something to the effect of, "OOOO! Uh-uh, No, NOOOO, honey, I know you feelin shame thinkin what you be thinkin about takin my avocado off to a yogwan! You better get your nasty pervert ass away from my avocados before I show you something really nasty and really perverted! Get yo knot headed butt outta here!" So, unable to even pay for sex with an avocado, I went back to my yogwan alone, and listened to other people hanging out of their yogwan windows practically and screaming for joy, as I unwrapped the limousine of condoms available in Korea, or at least to my severely limited knowledge, a condom called, "Tuxedo Club Okatex Thinpia," that’s right, "Tuxedo Club Okatex Thinpia." The condom is Japanese and probably a little small for most of the world market but will suffice I ‘spose if you’re averagely endowed and so horny that a little discomfort might provide just that kind of edge you’ve been looking for. The ribbing is nothing less than semi-pseudo-amazing looking like tiny horizontal lines o’ micro-paisley shirt or skirt fabric prints done in intaglio. So if you’re tripping on acid and decide that it’s time for a little nookie… no, really, check it out, I’m serious, it’s really quite an amazing design for a condom, or at least it looked that way in the dim blue light of my yogwan room. I’d give these about four stars, they seem pretty good, but I’ve got a feeling they probably cost about 8,000 won each. Nice ominous black color too, for your standard infinite archetypal weenie of Shiva that stays hard for 7,000 yugas of infinite cycles of time effect.
Oh, and then last but not least, we had the "A-rang" condom that was the only condom of the bunch that was obviously a Korean brand. It’s probably large enough for most of us westerners who are of course all hung down to our knees, no seriously, its probably good for all of you six to nine inch guys with undramatic circumferential measurements, it’s comfortable. It says on the label that it’s a lilac scented condom, but I couldn’t smell a thing, thank god, sounds like the manufacturer is using melted down air wick overstock bought at 20% wholesale or something. But the A-rang is a good standard no frills condom, I just wonder how many of them leak, they have a kind of low rent air to them, but who the hell knows, I guess you gotta die somehow, right? I’d give these guys four stars.