CONDOMS COMPARED
By Jon Marshall and Eric Curkendall

(EDITORS NOTE!!! IT’S ONE OF THEM!!! READ AT YOUR OWN RISK, AND DON’T BLAME ME FOR THE RESULTS!!!)

Since I arriving in Korea, many people have bewailed the fact that Korean condoms just do not stack up when compared to their Western counter parts. While I was greatly relieved to hear that people were using condoms, being an old HIV services hand, I was curious about these locally manufactured critters. Having brought a goodly supply of condoms and personal lubricant with me, "just in case," I had not had the opportunity to see any for myself in their natural habitat: a smoky love hotel in throes of passionate embrace. I decided to end the questions and uncertainties by performing a series of scientifically controlled tests and comparisons ala "Consumer Reports." Following is the results of weeks of hard laboratory work and study.

Condoms were bought from several pharmacies about town, the subway station at Tongnae, and the Pink House. I do not think that I have condoms from every manufacturer in South Korea, but I do have seven, some with the nubs or ridges for her pleasure, and some without. All are lubricated, however, although I was unable to tell if the lubrication was spermicidal in nature or not. Spermicide has a bitter taste and will leave your lips and tongue numb, although I am a dedicated social scientist, I am not that dedicated.

Buying condoms from the pharmacist turned out to be a surprisingly easy and unembarrassing affair.

The pharmacist simply supplied the requested product. Of course, I was a man buying a manly product from a man, and can not vouch for what the climate would have been like to purchase these things from a woman, or a female customer from a male pharmacist.

In Korean custom, the condoms are over packaged and inexpensive. W3,000 buys a package of ten condoms. Five condoms come in each of two smaller boxes located within the larger box. The whole thing is sealed within a protective airtight plastic wrap and given to you in a plain plastic bag.

I bought a variety of condoms from the Pink House. The ajoshi was a freak, but was neatly dressed and well groomed, and did not seem to be out of control, but then again, I am a man. Who knows how he would react to a woman entering the store.

The store was well stocked with a wide variety of devices useful for sexual pleasure. Most were imported from Japan and comparable in uses to similar things I have seen in the States. He had a selection of Playboy videos for those who are interested. There were various suction devices, prodding devices, cushions, and vibrating things. I will not go into detail here, but leave it to your imagination to picture where and how these things would prod, poke, pad, vibrate, and suck for pleasure.

A wide variety of condoms were stocked from Japan and Korea, so I bought some Japanese condoms and other Korean condoms, to broaden the validity and comparability of the study. Most Japanese condoms are well made, and have a good reputation, along with my few remaining American condoms, these will serve as a control for the Korean ones.

The one troubling aspect of my visit to this store was that the ajoshi did not seem to understand that oil based lubricants should not be used with condoms. I kept saying, "oil gurigo condom gatgi ab seyo," ("oil and condoms together are bad.") but he did not understand, then again, maybe no one would have. The lubricant was too expensive to buy for a demonstration of what oil will do to a condom. Perhaps I will return with a small container of oil one day and some water based lubricant to show him. DO NOT USE OIL BASED LUBRICANT WITH CONDOMS, IT WEAKENS THE LATEX AND CAUSES IT TO BREAK.

I decided that several tests for size and durability should be performed. I went to my local outdoor market and selected a small, but "representative," sample of local produce, namely several eggplants ranging from 8 centimeters (3.54 ins) to 17 centimeters (6.69ins), and no more than 4 centimeters (1.18ins) across. Then I selected a zucchini 28 centimeters (11.22 ins) long and 5.5 centimeters (2.17 ins) across.

In the safety and comfort of my own home locked away far from the prying eyes of my host family, deep in the bowels of my bathroom, door securely locked, I filled a variety of condoms with water. Upon first perusal, the condoms all appeared to be too small, and only held a half a cup of water. I was using a mug I had bought at Pusan Department Store. Then I proceeded to stretch the condoms over the vegetables. Once over the vegetables, I rubbed them until the lubricant was gone, and used some mild soap as lubricant as well. Then I filled them with water to check for leakage. So, by condom manufacturer and vegetable size, I will list the results.

Young & Love (please note that the name differs from the name on the box to that on the individual condom package.):
* Bought: Pharmacy
* Price: W 3,000/ 12
* Features: Lightly lubricated; flesh colored; nubbed
* Size: 17cm (6.69in) x 4.0cm (1.18in)
* Zucchini Test: 16cm (6.34in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 18cm (7.48in) x 4.4cm (1.38in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: 2 broke while putting them on the zucchini; difficult to unroll.

Choice:
* Bought: Tongnae Subway Station men’s room.
* Price: W 300 for 2
* Features: Lightly lubricated; flesh color, slightly opaque.
* Size: 19.5cm (7.68in) x 4.4cm (1.38in)
* Zucchini Test: 17cm (6.69in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 19.5cm (7.68in) x 4.4cm (1.38in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: None

Choice:
* Bought: Tongnae Subway Station men,s room
* Price: W 500 for 2
* Features: Ribbed w/nubs; lightly lubricated;

Also I visited the Pink House in Pusan Daehakab, its around the corner from the McDonald's once you past the turn off for the subway hours of operation.
* Features: flesh colored, slightly opaque.
* Size: 20cm (7.88in) x 4 (1.18in)
* Zucchini Test: 16cm (6.69in) x 5.5 (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 19.5cm (7.68in) x 4.4 (1.38in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: Difficult to unroll and fit over the head of the zucchini.

A-Rang:
* Bought: Pharmacy
* Price: W 3,000/ 12
* Features: Ribbed; scented with lilac; lightly lubricated; form fitting, i.e. a bulbous "head" on the condom.
* Size: 18.5cm (7.33in) x 4cm (1.18in)
* Zucchini Test: 15.5cm (6.1in) x 5.5cm (2.17cm)
* Off the Zucch: 18.5cm (7.33in) x 4cm (1.18in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: Difficult to separate the individual packages of condoms from the chain of condoms; difficult to open the packet.

Tango:
* Bought: The Pink House
* Price: W 10,000/10
* Features: Contoured; ribbed; nubbed; pink; lubricated
* Size: 19cm (7.48in) x 4.5cm (1.77in)
* Zucchini Test: 18cm (7.48in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 20cm (7.88in) x 4.5cm (1.77in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: Easy to put on the zucchini

Dia:
* Bought: The Pink House
* Price: W 8,000/12
* Features: Lubricated; nubbed; flesh colored, slightly opaque
* Size: 19cm (7.48in) x 4.5cm (1.77in)
* Zucchini Test: 16cm (7.48in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 19cm (7.48in) x 4.5cm (1.77in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: none

Tuxedo Club (please note that this condom is of Japanese manufacture):
* Bought: The Pink House
* Price: W 8,000/6 condoms
* Features: Lightly lubricated; black
* Size: 18.5cm (7.32in) x 4cm (1.18in)
* Zucchini Test: 24cm (9.84in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 19cm (7.48in) x 4.5cm ( 1.77in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: Some difficulty in separating the individual condom package from the strip of packages; difficult to open the individual packages of condoms.

Life Style (please note that this condom is of American manufacture): * Bought: the United States of America
* Price: Not available in Korea, N/A
* Features: Spermicidal ubricant; variety of colors
* Size: 18cm (7.32in) x 5cm (1.97in)
* Zucchini Test: 17cm (6.69in) x 5.5cm (2.17in)
* Off the Zucch: 18cm (7.32in) x 5cm (1.97in)
* Leakage: none
* Comments: Rated as one of the best condoms made by "Consumer Reports" in about 1987. Easy to open and put on.

While being smaller than their American and Japanese cousins, Korean condoms are big enough to fit the average sized man. The world wide average is 4 to 6 inches. If the man is much larger than this, it is likely that the condom will not reach the base and cause a significant chance for seminal fluid to leak. My other concern is that the more the condom is stretched the more likely it is to break or leak, which is a concern while using Korean condoms.

Young and Love, Tuxedo Club, and Tango showed sufficient inelasticity as to not return to their original dimensions, causing concern for breakage during use. Young and Love, Choice, and A-Rang were all difficult to unroll, and fit over the head of the condom. Difficulty in opening a package of condoms can be troublesome, also, if you know what I mean, and I think you do, both A-Rang and Tuxedo Club were difficult to open.

Overall, I found Young and Love to be the worst since they actually broke, had elasticity problems and had difficulty unrolling. Also, Tuxedo Club did not live up to the Japanese reputation established by Kimono in the United States, since they were inelastic and difficult to open. Overall, I think that Dia preformed the best in these limited tests.

The most important thing in using a condom, however, is that you use it. The most important thing in using it is being comfortable with it. So, experiment witht them in the safety and comfort of your room, while alone, and see which ones you like.

Well, since I’m such a hot babe, the Expatriate figured I was one of the few guys actually capable of testing out four brands of condoms in two days. So, like, doods, I’m real sorry if like I seduced your Korean girl friends, but like we had to like test these condoms fast before the July 15 deadline, so you could more easily decide which condoms to use, ok, peace? I promise to remain celibate for the rest of my contract. I wish.

So, anyway, uh, back in reality, the first condom was this hot pink, somewhat comfortable, and recommended brand called Tango, which didn’t break and didn’t make squeaky noises, thereby alerting the neighbors as to what I was doing, during the entire course of a blistering 10 minute session with my right hand while trying imagine doing Lee Sung Hee dog style on the backseat of a ’71 Chevy Nova at the drive in during a Godzilla Meets Jane Goodall and Jurassic Park II double feature in Fremont, California. The condom is subtly ribbed so my right hand’s delicate skin wasn’t even blistered or chapped afterwards. Wow! But, for fans of the smell of suntan lotion, you definitely have to get these condoms, though. The hot pink color is also definitely extremely sexy, and I’m beginning to wonder if I need to pay to make love or maintain the semblance of an intimate relationship any more just so that I can regularly get off. Five stars for these, though, for whatever that’s worth.

The next condom which I tried, one hour later, and perhaps my somewhat dulled state of horniness had something to do with my negative opinion about these Dia Special Lubricated w/Dots condoms, but really, though, I think these were the worst condoms I’ve used in my life. For starters, and you know, I don’t mean to like brag or anything, but I think these condoms were made for somewhat, uh, …more diminutive schlonkies than my own. I don’t know, maybe there’s some kind of too tight condom fashion persuasion that’s all the rage over here or like there’s some kind of need that some guys have to administer tourniquets to themselves out of some kind of sexual pathos and guilt or something. But if that isn’t enough, the Dia condom’s special lubricated dots seem to serve to inflict even further pain on the wearer, or I guess we could say, inflict even further "overstimulation" on the wearer. Well, call me a wimp but uh, I’d say that the sand paper effect of these condoms is definitely for tough guys and probably tough girls and connoisseurs of pain. Get tough! Get Dia! So, let’s say there Vinny, that these condoms get four stars if you’re a tough guy or like pain and one star if you are a wimp. Or maybe it’s like the love of very hot chilies or, oh, I know, it has to do with the eroticism of one person being in pain and the other in ecstasy, like the whole sort of electromagnetism of that, right…um, am I like naïve or missing out on something?

So, the next day, after hitting on babes in Somyon unsuccessfully for about an hour and a half, my line after "Yong-oh hashimnikka?" being, "Do you wanna help me try out some condoms for a consumer product review that I’m writing," I felt devastated. I mean, that’s like the best excuse to go have a little hump that was probably ever uttered by humankind and these girls were not even impressed. So, as I walked by a fruit stand, my head swimming with nightmarish self images in which I have the sexual charisma of George Bush if he were a librarian or acting in the office of his wife as a substitute cub scout den mother, I spied a ripe avocado. "God, I almost really wanna do this avocado," I thought and as I approached the fruit stand. I asked the ajimanim how much and she looked at me like I was crazy and slapped my hand as I reached to give it a squeeze probably saying something to the effect of, "OOOO! Uh-uh, No, NOOOO, honey, I know you feelin shame thinkin what you be thinkin about takin my avocado off to a yogwan! You better get your nasty pervert ass away from my avocados before I show you something really nasty and really perverted! Get yo knot headed butt outta here!" So, unable to even pay for sex with an avocado, I went back to my yogwan alone, and listened to other people hanging out of their yogwan windows practically and screaming for joy, as I unwrapped the limousine of condoms available in Korea, or at least to my severely limited knowledge, a condom called, "Tuxedo Club Okatex Thinpia," that’s right, "Tuxedo Club Okatex Thinpia." The condom is Japanese and probably a little small for most of the world market but will suffice I ‘spose if you’re averagely endowed and so horny that a little discomfort might provide just that kind of edge you’ve been looking for. The ribbing is nothing less than semi-pseudo-amazing looking like tiny horizontal lines o’ micro-paisley shirt or skirt fabric prints done in intaglio. So if you’re tripping on acid and decide that it’s time for a little nookie… no, really, check it out, I’m serious, it’s really quite an amazing design for a condom, or at least it looked that way in the dim blue light of my yogwan room. I’d give these about four stars, they seem pretty good, but I’ve got a feeling they probably cost about 8,000 won each. Nice ominous black color too, for your standard infinite archetypal weenie of Shiva that stays hard for 7,000 yugas of infinite cycles of time effect.

Oh, and then last but not least, we had the "A-rang" condom that was the only condom of the bunch that was obviously a Korean brand. It’s probably large enough for most of us westerners who are of course all hung down to our knees, no seriously, its probably good for all of you six to nine inch guys with undramatic circumferential measurements, it’s comfortable. It says on the label that it’s a lilac scented condom, but I couldn’t smell a thing, thank god, sounds like the manufacturer is using melted down air wick overstock bought at 20% wholesale or something. But the A-rang is a good standard no frills condom, I just wonder how many of them leak, they have a kind of low rent air to them, but who the hell knows, I guess you gotta die somehow, right? I’d give these guys four stars.