TYING THE KNOT IN KOREA
By: Tim Stewart

I was disheartened by American women so I joked about coming to Asia to get married. You know the one about being careful what you ask for? A foreigner hoping to marry into a Korean family faces substantial obstacles. Family approval is seldom easily obtained, and it's fair to say objections are inherent. But fear not, an informal poll of my married co-workers and students showed this was the case for most Korean couples. Whatever level of turmoil or obstinance awaits you, be assured that if it's meant to be, the will of your fiancee' alone will be the deciding factor of marital success. It is necessary to gain acceptance with friends of the bride, so an introduction meeting is usually planned, sometimes in the form of a bridal shower.

Dealing with the paperwork in the case of American citizens requires three visits to the Consulate; one to pick up the papers, the next to have them signed, and the last to have them authenticated and approved after a visit to the bride's neighborhood ward office. This is in fact the official wedding. Anticlimactic as it may seem; you can legitimately move-in together as husband and wife afterwards. Making arrangements can be as simple or difficult as you can afford. The wedding facilities available range from the inexpensive public room in the local ward office or city hall, to the weekend chaos of the factory-like multi-room wedding halls, yae-shik-jang. If you're lucky or have benevolent in-laws you can have your ceremony in a more peaceful church, event hall, yacht center, private club or home. Then again, you can do like my former student, a banker from Seoul, who hosted 3000 guests in a ballroom at the Westin Hotel in Haeundae!

Your wedding service can provide the complete package or any combination of hairdressing and makeup (for women and men), dress and tuxedo, flowers and corsages, announcements and banner printing, videotaping and photography, piano-playing and ceremony assistance. Any one of these can be taken to other specialists or acquaintances according to your connections and/or desires. Wedding rings are inexpensive in Korea, particularly if your institute director or students have a friend with a shop, but don't buy any with pearls since traditional superstitions hold that they represent tears and thus foretell an unhappy marriage.

It is your duty to find the wedding official, ju-ryae. Most public school teachers can ask a principal or vice-principal, otherwise just be sure to find an older, distinguished gentleman or public figure with acknowledged life experience, no license is required. Unfortunately, Elvis impersonators are rare. It's also your duty to empty your savings and max-out credit cards on furniture, an apartment, and a car. Foreign teachers however can avoid some or all of this. One former student collapsed into her chair in class exhausted after accompanying a friend on a one day twenty million won pre-nuptial shopping binge!

Bachelor parties exist, usually involving drinking and singing at a noraebang or a trip to an expensive nightclub. The same is true for bridal showers if they aren't meant as an introduction session, or if your fiancee' is a traditional woman who doesn't drink. If not constrained by a meager budget you might follow the example of my banker student who blew ten million won on an evening of debauchery with ten friends at a room salon! The final step before walking the plank, er, aisle is to spend several hours formally attired in unfamiliar places before a camera, as photographs are a very important part of modern Korean weddings. In fact, some couples even opt for the framed, painting-size print to adorn the living room wall. The western-style ceremony or "wedding march" generally follows this pattern: march in, bow to each other, listen to a speech, bow to the parents and guests, march out. The bride is careful not to smile since doing so condemns one to have a daughter (oh no!) as a first child. Following the march out is a photo session, first with bride and groom, then adding family, and finally the couple with friends. This includes a staged toss of the bridal corsage, always to the girlfriend with the next scheduled wedding.

The traditional ceremony, which is meant to show respect to the elders and immediate family, is very important. Apparently, it is quite a contrast to the paparazzi-like intrusion of photographers throughout the western-style ceremony. It takes part after the couple changes to hanbok or Korean traditional clothes (the bride in red and green, the groom in blue). All wedding facilities include a small room with a folk-print screen or backdrop and a floor table festooned with a platter of candies, nuts and fruit. The couple bow and offer rice wine to separate groups of parents and maternal and paternal relatives: one full bow on hands and knees is followed by a half bow from the hips. The mother of the groom throws a fertility blessing of a handful of nuts for the couple to catch in a sash, the amount representing the desired number of grandchildren. Both sets of parents express their wishes and blessings.

All of those paid tribute give gifts of money which, combined with monetary gifts from other guests can cover the expense of a modest wedding. The traditional ceremony ends with the couple offering rice wine to each other with entwined arms, then the bride takes a piggyback ride around the table on her husband's back, and finally the mothers-in-law get kisses and hugs (mine was too afraid but I caught her later).

The celebratory dinner is tame compared with the unrestrained drinking and dancing of some American receptions. There is seldom a cake for the bride to wear on her face, and no garter toss, usually just a quickly devoured buffet dinner and a rush to catch a train. The bridesmaids present a Honeymoon Basket of refreshments for which they are paid by the groom. It's also customary to receive a pair of wooden ducks or dolls as a blessing for marital longevity. If you happen to see newlyweds departing from the airport for their honeymoon, the bride will often be in hanbok with the unwieldy basket in tow.

The festivities are complete after the newlyweds visit the graves of ancestors to take bows and pour an offering of makkolli or malt rice liquor onto the ground (like a Dr. Dre video). Within a short time of the wedding the couple is expected to pay visits to aunts and uncles for more bows and informal introductions. It is also expected that a night will be spent in the house of the bride's parents where a meal of samgyetang, ginseng and grain-rice stuffed chicken soup, is served.

Weddings are big business in Korea and are the most important events in Korean life aside from college entrance exams. They require lots of bowing and photos. I'm happy with what I got. Chal-ka-ra!