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April 1999
. . . and other observations of a wedding cynic By Sharon Anderson
 Like
the whipped cream on your baked potato, the gin and tonic in your gin and
tonic, or the truth in your English daily, around these parts sometimes
content doesn’t exactly follow form. Take Korean weddings for example.
No, not the lovely and solemn traditional ceremony in which demurely lowered
bridal eyes and modestly sleeved bridal hands compete with the live chicken
tied up on the table for top prize in the “Most Telling Sign of Things
to Come” Contest (see insert). We’re talking about big, white western-style
weddings, the kind that keep innumerable cheesy photographers, uncountable
tacky wedding halls, and entire nuptial department stores in business.
If you ask me, the big tiara, train and tears type weddings are pretty campy anywhere. Here in Asia they just seem a little more, how shall I say, fantastic. It all starts with the photo shoot. Perhaps you’ve seen the brides and bridegrooms out in full confetti on the rocky shores of Songjong or littering the lawns of Kyongju. It isn’t until the bride lifts her hem to reveal the jeans and sneakers she’s got on underneath that you realize that this isn’t a wedding after all. In fact the big day is still months away but there’ll be no time for portraits then. Especially not for these dreamlike visions. The bride reclines in a rowboat. She’s playing a white violin. Mist and gentle waves caress her gown. A tear decoratively stings her eye. Why? Because her new husband is tenderly serenading her with his platinum saxophone. It’s like being in a Mr. Mister video. There’s another practical reason for the early photo session. You need to have the 36” x 48” wedding portrait to stand out front of the room you’ve booked at the wedding hall. This picture identifies the exact location of the wedding (and, incidentally, the wedding gift collection table) for the hundreds of guests you’ve invited. Heaven help them if they get lost: in one hour to the minute a new portrait goes up and the next wedding will be underway. As approximately 100% of Koreans will, at some point in their lives, get married at one of these places, there is no time to spare. A wedding hall on a Sunday is about as busy as, say Tianamen Square on the good Chairman’s birthday. Thousands of well-wishers parade through during their appointed hour. As the pianist sets the mood with “The Wedding March” (or maybe “Oh Tanenbaum” or “Turkey in the Straw”) the bride and groom both check their lipstick and prepare to enter the hall. Inside a beloved professor or some other authoritative gentleman presides over the vows (see insert). Many of the better wedding halls feature bubble machines. What could be more romantic than a gentle shower of glistening globes cascading over the happy couple at pivotal moments in the ceremony? Some halls have a smoke machine as well, tastefully billowing fog from discreet holes in the altar. Maybe if city halls back home had this kind of F/X the divorce rate wouldn’t be what it is. When it’s all said and done (minus the kiss) the party gathers for a group photo and are then politely asked to leave. Quickly. Receptions are handled in one of three ways. A buffet at a local buffet place is nice but expensive, and there’ll be none of that bawdy joke-telling or tinkling forks on glasses to inspire a kiss (Confucius say, “Oh, please!”). Another alternative is the home reception . With the help of a tireless team of aproned ajuma, the family dwelling can easily accommodate 1,100. The cheapest and most convenient option, however, is the self-service luncheon. When you hand over your gift envelope you get another in return containing about W10,000 to go get lunch. Needless to say, restaurants around wedding halls spare no effort to present you with the most disappointing meal at the highest possible price. A toast, gentlemen, to the invisible hand! You may see the bride and groom again before they depart on their whirlwind 3-day honeymoon (though whether you’ll recognize them without their makeup is debatable). Chances are, however, you won’t. There are 1,099 people ahead of you after all. But as you toddle off home spare a thought for the new ajuma and ajoshi. May their new lives be every bit as fantastic as the pictures (see insert). The Vows Precepts from the Part of the Sutras regarding Matrimony Husband to Wife 2. Do your responsibility as husband and support the family. 3. Help your wife out of anxiety and difficulty, if any. 4. Once you have entrusted your wife with house-keeping, trust her and stop meddling and being suspicious. 5. Don’t flirt with another woman. Once you are attracted to another woman, you home will be a shambles. You need to buy gifts for your wife as after (sic) as possible. Wife to Husband 2. Speak politely and be obedient to your husband and be considerate. 3. Keep yourself tidy and be faithful to your husband. 4. Don’t live a life of luxury and vanity. Lead a thrifty and hard working life and be a good housekeeper. 5. Respect your husband’s opinions and practice them even before they are expressed. 6. Keep a composed look. 7. Cook clean food with an effort. 8. Always try to be generous to the needy. 9. Be more careful with family expenditures. 10. Regard your husband as a heaven. |