April 1999 My Life with FOMG  by W. Archer “Yes, I know what eechun obegwon means!”  I said to my co-worker.  “Shit,” I thought, “It’s phase two.”     According to the expat wisdom that’s been passed on to every fresh-faced foreigner, I have to go through an initiation process (read “emotional hazing”) in order to join the club.     First they made me feel like the most fascinating creature alive. Cute little old ladies gazed lovingly at my exotic features, occasionally murmuring kind words of appreciation for my presence. The children gathered in small groups to bid me welcome. “Hello, hello, hello!” they giggled and danced around me. In the mornings I was gently wooed from my slumber by the melodious sounds of farmers selling their wares right under my window. All I had to do is roll out of bed and I could purchase bright beautiful strawberries or tasty fresh fish straight out of the sea! My local grocer would smile and listen patiently as I repeated the same mispronounced Korean word three of four times. If he failed to understand he would smile and raise his hands apologetically. Each day my hagwon director offered me an invigorating new challenge, tasks which I took on with marked enthusiasm.       After I’d been here for two months the head office of FOMG (F**king Over the Mi-Guks) was notified and people changed, seemingly overnight.     First of all, there’s ajuma. That old bag stares at me all the way from Tushil to Somyon, making fun of my nose to anyone who will listen. No sooner do I step off the subway than a bunch of spoiled little brats surround me, repeating “Hello? Hello? Hello?” and laughing at me. It’s hard to take, particularly after being woken up by that #$% ^#$%^ loudspeaker screaming about yet another truckload of smelly squid and genetically-altered fruit right under my window. And the owner of that corner store, dank expired little place that it is,  stares at me with that condescending grin on his face, forcing me to repeat myself two or three times, laughing at me, throwing his hands up in my face, practically shoving me out of the store! On top of it all my hagwon director has thrown a new project at me every morning for two weeks. He refers to this as a “Korean surprise” and tells me I have to be flexible.    How did head office manage to get to so many people so quickly?