The state of Alabama argued that there is no such thing as a fundamental human right to use a product to produce an orgasm. So they  passed a law banning the selling or distribution of “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs” Such (self) abuses are punishable by up to a year in jail and a $10,000 fine. The new law was immediately challenged in federal court as an invasion of privacy. 

   “One Man and His Dog” fans are saddened and stunned as the BBC announces that the show was cancelled after a 23-year run. The sheepdog trials are not earning the ratings they once did, but loyal fans are furious that the show was axed.

   What are they thinking? The ever-popular “Baywatch” may have to change locations if citizens of a beachfront Sydney suburb have their way. The city of Avalon is split between the younger folks who like having the show filmed on their beach, and the older citizens who regard the filming as an intrusion and an inconvenience. During filming parts of the beach are blocked off and surfing is banned. Hang ten, grandpa!
 

   Add one more catastrophe to the list of evil misdeeds misdone by the ever powerful and all popular, 
El Niño. The spunky climatic phenomenon is now being blamed for African Horse Sickness, a deadly equine disease. English scientists have correlated outbreaks of the disease with the warm phase of the El Niño southern oscillation by reviewing horse breeding records from 1803.

   Now that’s what I call presidential. Peru’s president Fujimori assisted in the delivery of a baby aboard his helicopter. While inspecting flood damage on Peru’s northern coast on Valentine’s Day, the president was asked to fly an expectant mother to a local hospital, but she presumptuously gave birth to a 6.6-pound baby boy in flight. The president’s personal doctor actually handled the messy details of the birth while the president consoled and encouraged the new mother. A beaming Fujimori showed the baby to reporters on board and explained that the baby was named Kenyi Alberto after him.

   No less heroic are the students and teachers of Parkside School in Ond du Lac, Wisconsin, who all shaved their heads to support 10-year-old Scott Lackas who lost his hair to chemotherapy.

The groom listed his bride-to-be’s birthplace as “Detroit,” her father as “Henry Ford,” and her blood type as “10-W-40”. Buster Mitchell, 28, wanted to marry his 1996 Mustang GT after being dumped by his flesh and blood girlfriend, but was thwarted by the county clerk in Knoxville, Tennessee. State law only recognizes marriages between men and women. Not to be deterred, he’s trying some of the wedding chapels in the Great Smoky Mountains. “Well, in California they are doing same-sex marriages,” he explained, “so here in Tennessee, why can’t we do the good ol’ boy thing and marry our cars and trucks?”

That sentiment might please theologian Mary Daly. The self-proclaimed radical feminist professor, at Boston College has been given an ultimatum from the school: admit men to her classes or stop teaching. The professor only admits women into her courses because women are, as she explains, “constantly on an overt or a subliminal level giving their attention to the men because they’ve been socialized to nurse men.” Boston College officials said Daly’s ground rules violate federal civil rights laws and school policy. College spokesman Jack Dunn stated that if a male professor tried to bar women from his classes, “he’d be run out of town.” 

And so go the pit bulls. Brazilian lawmakers are considering legislation that would sterilize all male pit bulls, while the females would be seized and euthanized. The law is supported by Rio de Janeiro’s Commission for the Protection and Defense of Animals, an association of city legislators and animal rights groups.

   A man reporting his take of a $17 million armored car heist on his income taxes received a two-year probated sentence for money laundering. John Calvin Hodge, Sr., 69, was ordered to repay the $14,200 he was paid to help stash the loot. The money was originally stolen on Oct. 4, 1997 from a Loomis Fargo & Co. armored car.

   Two Michigan women recently struck a mighty blow for animal rights. Hilma Ruby, 61, and Patricia Dodson, 49, broke into Eberts Fur Farm south of Chatham, Ontario and released 1,540 minks. It is estimated that 500 died in the aftermath from cold, fighting among themselves or being run over by cars. The two women are to spend 90 days in jail and were fined $34,000 apiece. The farm closed.  

   Listeria hysteria mounts as Ba Le Meat Processing & Wholesale Inc., a Chicago company, recalls 2,600 pounds of headcheese hoping to stop it from being sold in Asian specialty stores. If you or your loved ones have a package of “Ba Le Gio Thu Headcheese” produced between Jan. 7 and Feb. 5 and bearing the mark “Est 18442”, don’t eat it. (Headcheese isn’t cheese at all: it’s a seasoned loaf made of the head meat of a calf or a pig.)

Put down that Mamey! Or so says the US Food and Drug Administration. A mamey is a tropical fruit with a salmon pink or red colored pulp that has a smooth texture. The El Sembrador brand of frozen mamey from Guatemala is being held responsible for an outbreak of typhoid fever in South Florida.